Maybe
by scintillateworld
Summary: Even though everything has changed between them, their hope for a better future never would.


**_A/N: These past few weeks when it comes to writing anything for Barba and Olivia all I can manage to put down is angst and sadness. So that's where this one-shot came from._** ** _The song I used is Maybe by Lily Kershaw._**

 ** _I don't own Law and Order: SVU or the song._**

* * *

 **~ Maybe ~**

 _Let me go  
Gravity gets us all  
Just thought you should know  
In tomorrow's morning light  
Things will look a lot less frightening  
And now, and now, and now..._

* * *

Circumstances over the years had continued to force them further apart. Moment by moment their carefully crafted friendship evolved into something neither of them could name. On most occasions they had worked through the repercussions of their own stubbornness while working on cases together and managed to get back on track. But after years everything had changed between them in ways neither of them have imagined.

* * *

After first meeting Barba, Olivia expects him to be like any other attorney she has met. Arrogant, conceited, and smooth. He, however, proves her wrong the same day she meets him.

For Barba, meeting Olivia has been quite a surprise. Within the first few seconds of laying his eyes on her, he realizes she is something else. Big brown eyes filled with warmth and compassion, which frustrate him from their very first case.

But although they bud heads from time to time she has instilled compassion in him unlike anyone has done before. In return, Olivia's heart begins to soften towards the sassy and witty ADA. And soon they begin working as a well-oiled machine as their friendship continues to transform into something more.

A friendship so meaningful to both of them that they grow closer together. A friendship which is the epitome of understanding, compassion and kindness.

All of which had slipped through the cracks in a moment's notice just a few months later.

* * *

The case that forever changes the foundation of their friendship is the Evie Barnes case.

Blindsided by the judge overturning the jury's verdict, Barba finds himself questioning the worth of his own job and what damage such a case would do to future rape cases. After questioning everything he has done during the trial, he quickly finds himself drowning his sorrows in a bottle of scotch. It has been one of those rare times where he can't seem to handle the game which he often plays in court. Because this time the implications were enormous.

It's the same evening that Olivia saunters into his office in a striking black dress and the fearlessness necklace she can't seem to let go of. She finds him sitting on his couch, staring blankly across his office.

Barba notices her and finds himself unable to tear his eyes away from her. The dress looks stunning on her. ''Liv.'' he breathes her name almost inaudibly.

She sits down next to him on the couch, taking note of the bottle of scotch. ''I wanted to check in with you.'' she tells him.

She feels his lingering gaze too long in places it shouldn't go. But she's used to it, and she likes the attention. Because with him its different. They have a friendship, a shared understanding.

''There's no need.'' he shrugs. He finds himself at war with his heart and mind in that moment. His heart tells him to let go. To lose himself within her. But his mind reminds him of their jobs, their friendship.

But at the end of the night, his heart wins the unbearable battle. After two hours of conversation, the tension which has been building since day one, explodes. He can't force himself to ignore his feelings anymore.

Before she is able to walk out of the office, Barba wanders into her direction, handsome and demanding, with a glint of arrogance in his eyes.

She knows she has his attention. He continues to walk into her direction, and she returns his gaze with a smile. His eyes have become somewhat darker, and the nerves settle in her stomach.

He finally stills in front of her. He leans forward just the tiniest bit as his hand brushes against hers. His other hand ends up at the small of her back, pulling her closer instinctively. He returns her stare, and knows this is the type of moment neither of them can walk away from.

She leans in just a bit more, and takes a hold of the tie that hangs loosely around his neck. She feels the warmth of his breath setting her skin on fire as he leans in further. She closes her eyes, preparing herself for the next move, but it's too late.

She doesn't stand a chance when he leans in and his lips covers hers in a gentle but demanding kiss. He pulls her closer, a moan escaping his mouth as she deepens the kiss.

It feels like everything a kiss should be. Hot and passionate yet soft and gentle. It is the perfect mix of everything and it seems this should've happened years ago. But it doesn't matter anymore because they are getting lost in each other now.

It's the night everything changes as they get lost in the passion and intense want. It's a night that forever alters the relationship they have carefully crafted. It changes in a way that could either make or break them.

* * *

It truly does alter their relationship.

The next day at work she needs a moment to breathe as he strides into the squad room. She is not sure what the hell she has gotten herself into, but she can't bring herself to care. Not when he wanders into her office with a smirk of the memories of last night.

She finds herself reliving the feelings of his hard and toned body pressed against hers. She can almost feel the touch of skin upon hers as he stands right in front of her. It feels like a dream. One hell of a dream she does not want to wake up from.

This is not something she knows how to stop. She doesn't even want to stop it, even though it could come with so many complications.

So she doesn't stop it. And neither does he.

* * *

Whatever is going on between them, turns into knowing glances at work. Lost thoughts at home as they make love and live their lives to the fullest.

Their relationship becomes consuming, and everything she ever wanted. It feels amazing and right in every way. She feels younger and more excited about life because of him. And he feels the same.

They love working together. They value one another. She loves watching him in court as he fights for justice. As she sits in the gallery she always cheers for him internally. But she loves coming home to him after work even more. He loves watching her fight for their victims, and interrogate suspects. She owns each interrogation room she walks into, and his admiration for her never dissipates.

All in all, their relationship seems perfect, without complications at that point.

* * *

They both realize their relationship is one of the biggest secrets each of them has kept. It isn't until Nick starts questioning them about their friendship that Olivia realizes just how big of a secret he is in her life.

In continuing to hide their relationship, they try to be less obvious. They stop sharing incidental touches and looks filled with longing and love. Instead, they begin to realize the implications of being together.

Yet there is a moment they forget. It is when the squad room is crowded and Olivia walks him to the elevator. When the doors open he yanks her inside the empty elevator with him. He backs her up against the wall and kisses her hard and passionately. He holds her in his arms and sighs against her neck after coming up for air, and he can feel himself unravel.

It's the moment of forgetting their situation, the complications of being together, which continue to push them forward in ignorance of the future. Ignorance is bliss after all.

* * *

But their ignorance soon becomes their enemy.

Everything falls apart in the place where it all began. In the silence of his office in the middle of the night.

She is sitting on his couch, her jacket is covered in blood, and her mind is still reeling from the events that transpired just two hours earlier. Barba had almost taken a bullet during a shooting. And in protecting him, a young girl lost her life. The blood was on her hands, literally and figuratively. Her feelings for him had clouded her judgment during her job. Something which should never have happened. Something which never would've happened had they not gotten together in the first place.

He stares at her from across his office as he leans on the edge of his desk. His suit jacket hangs over his chair, his tie lays on the desk, and the top buttons of his shirt are undone. He takes a deep breath to let the air fill his lungs, letting reality sink in.

The final blow seems to have been dealt to their relationship. In a manner in which he would never forget. A young girl was now dead. Because of him. And because of her. Because of them.

''This. Us. Was a mistake.'' he murmurs unevenly.

She nods, knowing he is right. It causes the tears to spring to her eyes. ''It's all my fault.'' she whispers.

He shakes his head, walking over to her helplessly, knowing they can't fix each other anymore. He looks her in the eyes. ''Don't!'' he tells her. ''We just got caught up in the moment…''

''…and now it's ending.'' she says, cutting him off because she can't hear him say the words she fears to hear.

She stands up and steps right in front of him. She watches as he leans forward and places one last kiss on her temple, letting her mind wonder if they ever had a real chance. If just their feelings would have ever been enough.

But standing in the office forces her to realize, it was never just enough. Perhaps in a different world it would've been enough. But in their world it simply isn't. This is the world they live in, and it seems they were never meant to be more than friends.

* * *

 _So you let me go  
I guess I understand I was  
The one who told you to so  
The morning came  
Just to leave and nothing was ever the same  
The same, the same..._

* * *

When Olivia finds she is indeed ready to move forward with her life, she allows herself to grow closer to Tucker. Tired of the pain and lack of companionship, their relationship grows to new bounds.

Although, Tucker makes her happy and is a good man who supports her, she often is reminded of her relationship with Rafael Barba. The could haves, would haves, and what-ifs, threaten to ruin the new solid foundation she has built with Tucker.

By forcing herself to remember that her friendship and one time romance with Barba was just the proverbial ship passing into the night, she realizes they are moving into different directions. Their timing has never been right, and a reunion between them seems unlikely.

In a way Olivia knows she has gotten everything she wants, and everything she ever wished for. Just with a different man. Which means that in a way she lost so much more.

In continuing to ignore the simple things, like friendship and love, all of which was already present in her life, she strained to grasp the thing she most desires. Barba is what she most desires. In her deepest, most intimate thoughts, she clings to the memory of their brief time together. How she knows she'll never be that complete again. Yet that circumstances could never allow them to be together, as he'd told her after things ended.

* * *

After the police shooting grand jury, and her momentary transfer, their relationship turns into one of animosity and strain.

She is angry at him for betraying her when he discloses her relationship with Tucker to 1PP. And he's angry that she didn't come to him first.

Feelings gets crossed, emotions rise and for the first time in a long time they argue. He questions her relationship with Tucker without hesitation and watches as she struggles to keep herself together under his scrutinizing stare. He doesn't understand her. He hates her for being with a man whom had done so much wrong to the people she loved. He can't stand it. But even in his haze of jealousy, he feels her pain. Their pain. It is the pain of trying to move forward, but constantly being reminded of their past together.

She tries to hide her struggle as they stand in his office and she is facing away from him. She wants to tell him anything and everything all at once. She wants to yell at him for not trusting her judgment. But deep down in her heart, she knows she just wants him back. That's all she desperately wants.

So she tells him that Tucker is a good man and that she trusts him. In subtext, she asks him to trust her. But she knows he won't. He looks too angry at the mere fact that she is in a new relationship with a man he most certainly despises. So she tells him goodbye and leaves the suffocating air of his office.

And then their conversations go silent again.

* * *

For his own sake, Barba continues to fight desperately, and struggles often, with maintaining professional boundaries when he is near her.

Thoughts of their bodies pressed together in his office after a particularly hard case, consumes him all too often. Letting go of their fleeting relationship together seems highly unlikely to him. His feelings, still so strong, don't allow him to move forward so quickly.

Especially not as quickly as she did.

When news breaks in the squad room and in his office that Olivia is still moving forward with Tucker, it nearly kills him. It takes him every ounce of strength to appear happy for the couple. But it soon becomes obvious to him that the man would give his life for Olivia, when he risks his own to save her from a bullet. With that thought, he knows it is officially the end of for them.

In continuing to work together, he remains professional and contains his wit and sassy remarks around her as to spare them both the reminder of old times. This sacrifice, even though taking its toll on him, is believed by him to be his own sacrifice. A sacrifice to allow her to move on happily without interference on his part.

Even though he no longer interferes in her life, he thinks of her daily. He thinks back to the start of their friendship. Memories of how she used to lecture him on pursuing certain cases come to mind, including her intimidating face as she fights for the victims. But he quickly replaces those with the way she had felt in his embrace. How truly perfect and all-consuming their relationship had once been in the past.

* * *

When Dodds dies and Barba receives death threats it becomes too clear to both of them how truly broken their relationship is. No words throughout the day are exchanged between them.

She does not dare to talk to him after the funeral, afraid of what an open and honest conversation would do to them. He, on the other hand, out of curiosity asks Carisi how she's holding up. And from the look on his face, Barba deduces that she may be in a downward spiral.

It all makes sense of course. Everything the squad has been through in a few short years is crippling. And Dodds' death has left them all lost and heartbroken over their fallen friend. But Barba is most worried about Olivia and he wonders how she is handling the loss. He aches to see her and talk to her. He picks up the phone dozens of times, but never manages to press dial.

In anger and frustration at the tragedy of the situation, he throws his phone across the room. It breaks into pieces, just the way his heart feels at that moment. He would move heaven and earth to change the outcome of everything that happened, but it is not within his power. It is with defeat that he drops down to his couch with a glass of scotch in his hand. He leans back, closes his eyes. Instantly her face flashes before his eyes and his heart swells. He holds on to the image as he forces himself to forget the past months.

* * *

The year Olivia becomes engaged to Tucker and is forced to kill a young man to save Carisi and is promoted to Captain, Barba introduces his girlfriend. Her name is Angela and she is gracious and poised, while also known as being a ruthless lawyer.

Olivia's heart breaks as she shakes the blonde's hands. It is the same year Barba is elected as the new District Attorney. And it seems his life is back on track. His life is perfect according to her.

And so is hers, but it does not prevent her heart from breaking. Yet she's still proud of him when he becomes the DA. In the distant and forbidden way she can only be proud of him.

In the way it can now only be between them. The way of ignoring their feelings and acting only in professionalism.

* * *

The year that Barba and Olivia betray Tucker and Angela, is the final nail in the coffin.

He finds her at his favorite bar, and sees how tired and sad she is. At the same time he misses his best friend and the old days when everything was not so complicated. He looks the same as her. Exhausted. He sits down next to her and tries to make her smile like he used to.

It was once again a particularly awful case and she needs a last moment of quietness before returning home. So she turns to him with a soft gaze. ''Shouldn't you be home?''

He can sense the hesitation and distance. And he knows it's for a good reason. Whatever they are doing has the potential to become a disaster. But he shrugs it off. Being next to her is what he needs. So he orders a drink and relaxes on the seat beside her.

She suddenly attempts to walk away to avoid any further confusion. Her heart is already beating in her chest, and she can define the implications of the situation easily. As she stands up, she feels his strong hand encircle her wrist, and holding her back. She stares up with expressive eyes and finds herself melting into his gaze, just like she used to. She can't seem to stop it so she returns to the seat.

They talk about work issues and everything burdening their lives. Yet neither of them mentions their brief relationship, and the lingering feelings it has left behind. They listen to one another intently.

That is until he can't resist anymore. He pays the bill and pulls her with him onto the street. They stare each other down, as if daring the other to walk away. But they don't. As another moment passes, his eyes drift over her body in appreciation, like the old days.

It's their undoing that night, reminding them both of their first time together in his office. And it is that undoing that causes them to end up in his bed and acting on feelings both have hidden deep within their hearts.

* * *

The following morning he turns to her. ''This was a mistake.'' he says.

The tears water in her eyes and she can swear her heart stops for a moment. She tries to say something, anything, but she has nothing to say because he's got that look in his eyes. It's the same as hers. The one with anguish and pain, which expresses a finality in it.

''Say something, Liv. Please.'' he pleads with her.

Her eyes dart across the floor to find her clothes. She jumps from the bed in an awkward silence and begins to pull up her jeans. Next thing she knows she is standing before him in her jeans and bra, unable to form any words.

She searches desperately for her shirt, but in her embarrassment she can't find it. She looks up to see him handing her his white dress shirt from the previous night. She takes it with a small nod of appreciation, and dresses herself in a hurry.

When she has gathered her belongings she storms out of the apartment, barely holding herself together. But as soon as she reaches the elevator, she cries. Her knees buckle, and with her back to the wall, she drops to the floor in a heap of tears and sobs.

She cries for a love lost. For hurting Tucker in the worst way imaginable. She cries and cries, for every moment she has kept buried since Barba first told her their relationship was a mistake. But most of all, she cries because of the finality of it. She knows their relationship can't be. She knows it's over now.

* * *

As the days turn into weeks and those into years, they continue to work together through the staggering cases, both trying to remain hopeful of what the future holds. Thoughts of memories passed often cross their minds, causing hope and desire to linger while their personal lives are further apart than ever before.

With time it has become easier to pretend that their friendship has faded, and that they have now been reduced to occasional colleagues. But sometimes, just for a rare moment, a look, or a lasting second of familiarity sparks the small shreds of hope both have buried deep within their hearts.

Sparks that makes them wonder if they could ever go back in time? Perhaps be together again? It is hard to say since much has happened. But maybe the right set of circumstances would allow them a chance in the future.

Maybe…

* * *

 _Maybe, just maybe  
We could rewrite history  
Baby I'm fading  
Oh I could use a little saving  
Maybe you could forget what I said  
And just hold me instead_

 _Just hold me instead_


End file.
